A Letter to Myself
What if I never get of jail, and I never have a good relationship before my mind and body are gone? My experiences with lasting relationships have all been very bad. There must be reasons why the men I have had relationships with have all been abusive to me, both physically and emotionally/mentally. I am quick to blame myself. Somehow I attract this type of man, or deserve this type of man. That something is wrong with me, that maybe I’m just asking for it. Now I am potentially facing a long prison sentence and I might never have another opportunity to find a good man. A man that won’t smother me, try to make me what they want. To be quiet and not express myself. I’ll never know how it feels to be loved by a man. A man like my father, who loves my mother, who would never hurt her in any way. I have to find a way to be able to keep searching for this person, this ideal apparition. I will never fill this empty hole in my heart. Even now there is one man, but he doesn’t even know I’m alive. How could he, when I’m unable to tell or show him? There is only a strong chemistry I feel when I come near him. That is as close as I can get to him. I want to tell myself it is him and that I deserve him. I do. I am. But how? I don’t know, but I would like to try. I have many good qualities…
