Family Christmas

Oh boy, here we go again, and another year gone by
It’s Christmas at the inlaws, please God, let me die.
Fake smiles, phony laughs, the lies I’m forced to tell.
Ass kissing at its finest, I’ll surely go to hell.

Aunt Patty’s kids, the golden ones, top college grads they say
Julie’s fiance is another girl, by the way Mom & Dad, I’m gay.
And Tony has a trophy wife, with brand new larger tits
Just ask, she’s happy to show them off, Jesus I hope he’s rich.

Then there’s Jeff, he’s not real bright and the brother of my wife
He’s got 6 kids, one on the way, I know he hates his life
And John and Barb and their 3 angels the oldest at 18
Wait till they find out she’s not just chubby this will be fun to see.

Oh yes, devout Christians the group they are, can you believe
This splendid group of Catholics gathered on Christmas Eve.
As a string of obscenities come from the garage it would make a sailor proud.
A box of tangled Christmas lights, Crown Royal and Grandpa, it draws a crowd.

He swears “By God I boxed them up right when I took them down last year.”
Yeah, he’s the drinker of the family if it’s not Crown it’s beer.
Grandpa says he bought a case of Crown in June, they had it on sale.
He’s been waiting half a year for this, oh yeah, someone’s going to jail!

Here come the gifts randomly drawn for each of us to buy
This has to be the worst idea, and still each year they try.
A hatchet for a 4-year-old and Jeff’s daughter of 10 some beer
Granpa got tequila, go figure, now there’s a good idea!

And Patty said, “It doesn’t matter, it’s really just for fun.”
Go tell that to the hatchet man and where did blood come from.
John & Barb just opened their gift, a bottle of reserve from ’62
No, they don’t drink, but something tells me they just got the news.

Jeff’s wife the poor girl lives in a circus with 6 kids bouncing off the walls.
And someone’s sick sense of humor gave her jingling balls.
The look on her face says she surely made the connection.
She looked at Jeff and I think he knew he was getting a castration.

Now all the young ones left, and glued to their smart phones
Texting all their friends about this lame Christmas and family, wishing to disown
And the rest of us getting good and drunk, trying to forget
All these stupid family Christmases, but let’s not go, just yet!

It’s time for grandpa’s Christmas joy which he so loves to spread
Oh this is gonna be good, I’m so glad we stayed instead.
No stone will be left unturned no one will be the same.
When you leave here this holiday you’ll wish you never came.

He’s now in the tequila as he eyes Julie’s date.
“Which one wears the dildo and is it curved or straight.”
“Tony your wife’s tits are soft I wish I had bigger hands.”
“I bet for the right amount of money I could get in her pants.”

“Barb you’re the prettiest of my girls by your head is full of air.”
“Your daughter’s pregnant, for God’s sake Johnny you’re dumb as a bag of hair.”
“She has the glow, her boobs are huge look at the size of her nipples.”
“Those babes are rude for sucking I should know I still have dimples.”

Then he looked my wife right in the eyes, and at first I thought he’d pass.
Then he said, “Honey there is one thing that’s been biting my ass.
Your mother needs a little help on something on which you know.
Please explain that it’s just an expression, she’s supposed to ‘suck’ not ‘blow.'”

Not a sound or word or look among us was there made
Yep this was the best Christmas ever I’m sure glad we stayed.
We all were stunned and paralyzed, no one could even speak.
I’m guessing singing Christmas Carols is looking mighty bleak.

My wife was stunned, her eyes got huge, and to the floor her jaw fell.
She looked right at me, “You son of a bitch you said you’d never tell.”
“He begged me to ask you to teach her now that she had no teeth.”
“It just came up one day while we were fighting in Bushy Creek.”

By now the kids are streaming live and grinning ear to ear.
They all just heard their parents say things they never thought they’d hear.
“Oh, this is going viral” I heard young Johnny say
I smiled and whispered in his ear “we’re not lame today!”

Grandpa looked at grandma and she smiled and looked at me.
She knew damn well that I wasn’t getting any Christmas nookie.
What happened next was off the charts if left us all in tears.
This is by far above the rest of family Christmas years.

Grandpa never said a word as she took a gulp of Crown
And then another, and then one more before she sat down.
She walked over, bent down, kissed grandpa’s cheek as she whispered in his ear.
“It will be a cold day in hell before your little fishy up my fishy creek this year.”

As grandma walked out of the room I swear I heard her say
“Merry Christmas you bunch of losers and happy holiday!”